經典科幻文學:《宇宙盡頭的餐館》第32章4

Number Two turned to face the crowd. He raised his gun above his head. This is going to be great, thought the crowd.
“We have declared war on it!”
Wild abandoned cheering broke out in all corners of the clearing – this was beyond all expectation.
“Wait a minute,” shouted Ford Prefect, “wait a minute!”
He leapt to his feet and demanded silence. After a while he got it, or at least the best silence he could hope for under the circumstances: the circumstances were that the bagpiper was spontaneously composing a national anthem.
“Do we have to have the piper?” demanded Ford.
“Oh yes,” said the Captain, “we’ve given him a grant.”
Ford considered opening this idea up for debate but quickly decided that that way madness lay. Instead he slung a well judged rock at the piper and turned to face Number Two.
“War?” he said.
“Yes!” Number Two gazed contemptuously at Ford Prefect.
“On the next continent?”
“Yes! Total warfare! The war to end all wars!”
“But there’s no one even living there yet!”
Ah, interesting, thought the crowd, nice point. Number Two’s gaze hovered undisturbed. In this respect his eyes were like a couple of mosquitos that hover purposefully three inches from your nose and refuse to be deflected by arm thrashes, fly swats or rolled newspapers.
“I know that,” he said, “but there will be one day! So we have left an open-ended ultimatum.”
“What?”
“And blown up a few military installations.”
The Captain leaned forward out of his bath.
“Military installations Number Two?” he said.
For a moment the eyes wavered.
“Yes sir, well potential military installations. Alright… trees.”
The moment of uncertainty passed – his eyes flickered like whips over his audience.
“And,” he roared, “we interrogated a gazelle!”
He flipped his Kill-O-Zap gun smartly under his arm and marched off through the pandemonium that had now erupted throughout the ecstatic crowd. A few steps was all he managed before he was caught up and carried shoulder high for a lap of honour round the clearing.
Ford sat and idly tapped a couple of stones together.
“So what else have you done?” he inquired after the celebrations had died down.
“We have started a culture,” said the marketing girl.
“Oh yes?” said Ford.

二號轉過身來面對着人羣，他把槍舉過頭頂，更加美妙的好戲即將開場，人們想。
“我們已經向他們宣戰了！”
狂熱的歡呼聲從空地的各個角落爆發出來——這種娛樂超過了所有人的預期。
“等一等，”福特長官叫道，“等一等！”
他跳起來，要求大家安靜，過了會兒，他得到了安靜，或者至少是在這樣的環境下他所能期望的最安靜狀態：這樣的環境是指邶個風筲手正在演舞一首固歌：
“我們一定得要這個風笛手嗎？”搞特問：
“哦，是的，”艦長說，“我們已經批准他演奏了。”
福特原本想展開這個話題，爭論一番，但是他馬上意識到這樣做太瘋狂了。於是他選擇了一顆大小適中的石子，朝風笛手擲過去，這才轉過身來面對二號。
“戰爭！”他說。
“是的！”2號輕蔑地瞧着福特長官，
“在鄰近的大陸上？”
“是的！全面衝突！一場將終結所有戰爭的戰爭！”
“可是那裏還沒有人居住啊！”
噢，有意思，人們想，這個觀點不錯。二號的目光鎮定地四下盤旋着。就是說，他的眼睛像兩隻蚊子，不懷好意地盤旋在距離你的鼻子三英寸的地方，無論你是用手它們就是不離開。
“這我知道，”他說，“不過總有一天，那上面會有人！所以我們留下了一份沒有截止日期的最後通牒。”
“什麼？”
“並且炸掉了一些軍事設施。”
艦長從他的浴盆裏探出身來。
“軍事設施，二號。”他問。
有那麼片刻，這雙眼睛動搖了。
“是的，長官，潛在的軍事設施。好吧其實就是樹。”
短暫的遊移不定過去了——他的眼睛又像鞭子一樣掃過他的聽衆。
“並且，”他吼道，“我們審訊了一隻瞪羚！”
他花口自地將蒸發轟擊槍翻轉到腋下，然後正步穿過喧譁的人羣。欣喜若狂的人羣中到處爆發出這種喧譁。他只走了幾步，就被從後面趕上來的人們舉了起來，繞着空地光榮地巡遊了一圈。
福特坐在地上，懶散地拍打着兩塊石頭。
“體們還做了些什麼？”慶祝活動平息下來之後，他問道。
“我們開創了文化事業。”那個市場部女孩說。
“喔，是嗎？”福特說。