經典科幻文學:《宇宙盡頭的餐館》第32章3

“Alright,” said Ford, “let’s see how you are doing.” He plonked himself down on the ground to see how long he could keep his temper.
The Captain made a sort of conciliatory harrumphing noise.
“I would like to call to order,” he said pleasantly, “the five hundred and seventy-third meeting of the colonization committee of Fintlewoodlewix…”
Ten seconds, thought Ford as he leapt to his feet again.
“This is futile,” he exclaimed, “five hundred and seventy-three committee meetings and you haven’t even discovered fire yet!”
“If you would care,” said the girl with the strident voice, “to examine the agenda sheet…”
“Agenda rock,” trilled the hairdresser happily.
“Thank you, I’ve made that point,” muttered Ford.
“… you… will… see…” continued the girl firmly, “that we are having a report from the hairdressers’ Fire Development Sub-Committee today.”
“Oh… ah –“ said the hairdresser with a sheepish look which is recognized the whole Galaxy over as meaning “Er, will next Tuesday do?”
“Alright,” said Ford, rounding on him, “what have you done? What are you going to do? What are your thoughts on fire development?”
“Well I don’t know,” said the hairdresser, “All they gave me was a couple of sticks…”
“So what have you done with them?”
Nervously, the hairdresser fished in his track suit top and handed over the fruits of his labour to Ford.
Ford held them up for all to see.
“Curling tongs,” he said.
The crowd applauded.
“Never mind,” said Ford, “Rome wasn’t burnt in a day.”
The crowd hadn’t the faintest idea what he was talking about, but they loved it nevertheless. They applauded.
“Well, you’re obviously being totally naive of course,” said the girl, “When you’ve been in marketing as long as I have you’ll know that before any new product can be developed it has to be properly researched. We’ve got to find out what people want from fire, how they relate to it, what sort of image it has for them.”
The crowd were tense. They were expecting something wonderful from Ford.
“Stick it up your nose,” he said.
“Which is precisely the sort of thing we need to know,” insisted the girl, “Do people want fire that can be applied nasally?”
“Do you?” Ford asked the crowd.
“Yes!” shouted some.

“好吧，”福特說，“口自們來看看你是怎麼做的好了。”然後他一下子坐到地上，想看看自己能忍多久不發火。
艦長髮出一陣意在調解的哼哼聲，
“我願意把這稱爲提交，”他令人愉快地說道，“芬特伍德維克斯殖民委員會第573次會議。”
十杪鍾，福特想，同時再次跳了起來。
“說這些都是徒勞無益的，”他宣稱。“都開了573次委員會會議了，可你甚至連個火都沒找着！”
“請你，”那個女孩刺耳地尖叫道，“看看議程表——”
“議程石頭。”那個美髮師高興地叫道。
“謝謝，這一點我指出了。”福特咕噥道。
“你將會……看到，”那個女孩堅定地繼續說道，“我們今天將審議‘美髮師開發火源附屬委員會’的一份報告。”
“哦，噢——”那個美髮師的表情十分窘迫，這種表情整個銀河系都認識，它的意思是“嗯，下個星期二再說，行嗎，”
“那好吧，”福特說，圍着他轉了一圈，“你們都做了些什麼呢7你們還打算做些什麼？體怎麼看待開發火源的問題？”
“嗯，我不知道，”美髮師說，“他們給我的全部東西只有兩根棍子……”
“那麼，你用它們做成了些什麼？”
這個美髮師緊張地在自己的條紋杉上摸索着，然後把他的勞動成果交給了福特。
福特把它們舉起來，讓所有人都能看見。
“燙髮鉗。”他說。
人羣爆發出掌聲。
“沒關係，”福特說，“羅馬不是一天建成的。”
大家對他的話是什麼意思沒有一丁點兒概念，但儘管如此，他們還是喜歡這句話。所以他們開始鼓掌。
“哼，你在這方面顯然完全是幼稚的。”那個女孩說，“如果你在市場部待的時間和我一樣多，你就會知道，任何新產品在開發之前，一定得經過適當的研究：我們必須先找出人們希望從火這種產品上得到什麼，火和他們有多大的關係，他們對火有什麼樣的想像，等等。”
人們變得緊張起來，他們期待着從福特那兒聽到一些特彩的言論。
“把火塞進你鼻子裏去吧。”他說。
“這也足我們必須準確知道的事情，”女孩繼續說，“人們希望火有氣味嗎？”
“你們希望嗎？”福特問人羣。
“是的！”一部分人叫道。