結婚20年以來,我第一次發現老公居然是別人的‘乾爹’

I thought I had it all: three beautiful kids, a CEO husband who took care of those beautiful kids when I traveled to East Africa to run a nonprofit, a big house in an affluent suburb in Silicon Valley, a vacation house at the lake. But little did I know what was going on behind my back or how radically my life would change when I discovered my husband's secret.

我天真的以爲我擁有一切：3個長相甜美的孩子、一位任首席執行官的丈夫、一所位於硅谷富人區的大房子、湖邊還有一所度假屋。丈夫會在我去東非從事非營利組織工作的時候幫我照顧孩子。但是我完全不知道丈夫揹着我幹了些什麼，當我發現丈夫祕密的時候，我的生活發生了徹底的變化。

My relationship with my husband began to fall apart three years ago. Couples counseling wasn't working and our fights were getting worse and worse ― until one day, after more than 20 years of marriage, my husband told me he was leaving and not coming back.

三年前，我和丈夫的感情出現了裂痕。於我們而言，夫妻治療不起作用，我們也爭吵得越來越厲害--直到有一天（結婚20多年過去了），我的丈夫告訴我：他要離開我了，再也不會回來了。

I was devastated. Numb. I hadn't been on my own since my early 20s. I was graying, had a sagging body, and had been a complete stranger to the traditional job market for more than two decades. I was also coPing with chronic depression and anxiety, and the thought of online dating terrified me. The internet didn't even exist the last time I went on a date. Can you even remember what life was like before the internet?

我非常絕望，整個人呆若木雞。20歲出頭，我就和他在一起了。現在的我頭髮變白了、胸也下垂了、一點都不瞭解傳統的就業市場（畢竟20年來我都沒有工作過）。此外，我還患有慢性抑鬱和焦慮，一想到網戀我就害怕。畢竟我最後一次約會的時候，網絡還沒有出現呢。你還記得沒有網絡的生活嗎？

Picking up the pieces and moving on seemed like an impossible task. My husband and I never followed what could be considered "traditional" roles in our marriage. He cooked, did laundry and mostly shared the kid-rearing responsibilities. But, like an old-fashioned wife, I left all of the financial matters to him. I didn't even have the passwords to our bank accounts and credit cards. Ridiculous, I know.

振作精神，生活還得繼續，但於我而言，這似乎是不可能完成的任務。婚姻中，我和丈夫從未遵循所謂的"傳統"角色。他煮飯、洗衣服、承擔了大多數撫養孩子的責任。但是，像傳統妻子一樣，我把家裏的財政大權交給了他。我甚至不知道銀行賬戶和信用卡的密碼。很可笑吧？我也知道！

Not long after my husband left, I realized I needed to sit down and create a budget for myself. I was prepared to start from scratch - I didn't even know how much our family spent on monthly bills. Surprisingly, my husband provided me with the passwords for our joint bank and credit card accounts.

丈夫離開不久後，我意識到：我必須靜下心來做個預算。我已經打算一切從頭開始--我甚至不知道家裏每個月的開支是多少。令人驚訝的是，丈夫將我們的共同銀行卡和信用卡密碼告訴了我。

I logged in and began scrolling, and found payments he had made to these women. "Enjoy the shopping spree," he wrote in one message. "Have a great weekend!" he told another, and there were many, many transactions.

然後，我登陸了賬戶瀏覽消費記錄，竟然發現他爲好幾個女人花過錢。"好好享受這次購物吧，"他在一條信息中寫道。"週末愉快！"他對另一位女士說道，消費記錄實在是太多太多了。

I signed up for seminars and workshops about self-acceptance, I slowly myself that I am enough, that I have a bright future ahead of me.

在此之後，我報名參加各種關於自我接受的研討會。慢慢地，我開始告訴自己：我很優秀，我的前程光明似錦。