12年婚姻 我們如何順利度過七年之癢
In 12 years, my wife and I have covered a lot of ground.
我和我的妻子已經從婚姻生活中學到了很多內容。
We were married before I graduated college. Pregnant with our first child shortly after. I finished college. New baby. Two miscarriages. Four more children. When the youngest was born, we had five children under 8 years old.
我們是在我大學畢業之前結婚。婚後不久我的妻子就懷上了我們的第一個孩子。我大學畢業那年孩子順利出生了，之前經歷了兩次流產，又生了四個孩子。最小的孩子出生時，我們有了5個8歲以下的孩子。
Owned four homes. Rented a house and an apartment somewhere in between. Five different jobs with four different companies. Lived in four cities. In many ways, life has been on fast-forward. We've been drinking from a fire hose.
擁有過四個家，租過一個房子、租過一間公寓。在四家公司做過五份工作，在四個城市居住過。在生活的許多方面，日子就這樣一天天地過着。我們一直飲用消防水帶中的水。
In the course of these 12 years, we've learned a great deal. About ourselves. About each other. About the importance of marriage. And why it's worth fighting for.
在這12年的光陰裏，我們都學到了很多東西，無論是自身還是彼此，懂得了婚姻的重要性，和值得爲之奮鬥的原因。
We were young, in love and ready for marriage when we said yes in our early twenties. But that doesn't necessarily mean we were prepared. 12 years later, here are 12 things that have been clarified for us in our marriage:
我們都還年輕，在我們二十出頭的青蔥歲月就墜入愛河，準備步入婚姻的殿堂。但這並不一定就代表着我們做好了準備。在我們婚後12年的婚姻生活中，我們弄明白了12件事情：
1. 50/50 Expectations Lead to Disappointment.1. 50/50的期望結果反而是失望。
For a season, we viewed marriage like it was a game. A competition. If I do this, you should do that. Meet me in the middle here, do a little more there. If you do 20 things, I'll do 20. That sort of game. But the true work is done when one of you can't get to the middle. When it's up to the other to go the extra mile. Maybe that ratio is 90/10 for a season if a spouse is sick, stressed, even depressed. Don't view marriage as a scorecard, someone always loses that way.
曾有一度我們都認爲婚姻就像是一場遊戲、一場競爭。如果我這樣做，你就應該這樣做。這裏做完了，就在那多做一點。如果你做了20件事，我也要做20件事。就像這樣的遊戲。但在實際生活中你無法做完那一半。而需要對方多做一些。如果配偶生病、壓力大、抑鬱的時候，這個比例就是90/10。不要把婚姻當作記分卡，總有輸的一方。
2. Keep Adventure Alive.
2. 保持冒險精神。
In my early days of dating Brooke, I pulled out all the stops. We went on long hikes, I made her candlelit dinners, I worked hard at the chase. When the years and responsibilities piled up, I let that fire die too many times. Fighting to keep adventure alive doesn't have to look like a trip to Paris; it could be a last-minute trip to a local hotel, a surprise baby sitter for the evening or even a simple handwritten note. Inject your marriage with adventure.
在我和布魯克約會的最初階段，我使出渾身解數。我們去遠足，我爲她辦燭光晚餐，我對她緊追不放苦苦追求。隨着年齡的增長和家庭責任的增加，我追求她的那股激情已經不多了。保持冒險精神並不需要像去巴黎旅遊那樣纔算，可以是最後去一次一個當地的酒店，也可以是讓保姆照顧孩子一晚，就連隨手留個便條也算。讓婚姻具有冒險精神。
3. Kiss Each Other First.
3. 先親對方。
I'm imperfect at this, but I try to kiss Brooke first when I get home from work. Before I kiss our five kids. It's a small thing that points to a much bigger reality. For me to be a great dad, I have to be a great husband first. Otherwise, we'll become roommates who are collectively raising our kids.
我在這方面做得不夠好，但我下班回家的時候，我試着會先吻布魯克。之後我再親我們的五個孩子。這件小事卻能以小見大。對我來說，我要想成爲一位好爸爸，就必須先成爲一個好丈夫。否則，我們就像室友一樣，共同撫養我們的孩子。
4. Grit Is Often The Best Description Of Love.
4. 勇氣往往是愛的最好詮釋。
It was easy to love Brooke when we were newlyweds. Easy for her to love me during seasons of comfort. But it's much more difficult to fight for love when you lose a baby. Or have a huge financial setback. Or confess a really ugly secret about yourself. Fairy tales are great for movies, but real life is more often confusing, chaotic and messy. Dig in when it gets hard.
在我們新婚階段我愛着布魯克她愛着我都是很容易做到的。但在你失去一個孩子後，再去爭取愛這件事就變得比較困難。在金融方面有很大的挫折，不愛承認自己丑陋的祕密。童話故事總是發生在電影裏，而現實生活卻往往沒那麼美好，現實生活一團亂麻、混亂不堪，較真兒深究的話，更是沒有頭緒。
5. Real Life Happens In The Mundane.
5. 現實生活是在平凡中度過的。
Huge promotions, babies being born, buying the dream house. The peaks of marriage are great. However, most days are mundane. I've been guilty of missing the little moments while I work to make the big ones happen. I'm realizing that life happens in those little moments. I'm learning to love the journey every bit as much as the destination.
升職、孩子出生、買到理想的房子。婚姻的幾個顛覆時刻是很美好的，但是大部分的日子卻是在平凡中度過的。我一直努力去實現那些生活中的大事件，但卻錯過了生活中平凡的小幸福時光而心中滿懷內疚。這些平凡的時光纔算是生活。我試着愛上旅途的過程，旅途的過程和目的地一樣重要。
6. Proximity Doesn't Equal Presence.
6. 單純待在一起不代表關係親密。
Getting home from work early, getting a sitter for a date and even taking a vacation alone are all great things. But physically being close isn't the same as being close emotionally. For me, most of the time that looks like staring at my iPhone instead of looking my wife in the eye. Being more concerned with my Twitter or Instagram feed than I am about hearing my wife's heart. When you have the ability to be together physically, be there emotionally as well.
下班後早回家，找保姆代孩子，自己和妻子出去約會，哪怕自己休假也都是很美好的時刻。兩個人生活在一起不等於感情就有多麼親密。對我來說，貌似大部分時間我都盯着我的蘋果手機，而忽視了妻子的存在。對自己的推特或Instagram這些社交媒體軟件比較上心，不怎麼在乎我妻子的感受。夫妻生活在一起時，也要讓情感親密起來。
7. Comparison Will Kill Your Joy.
7. 人比人氣死人。
In an age of edited facades of other people's lives on Facebook and other outlets, it's easy to feel like your marriage sucks. Like you're getting lapped by the Jones family. When I begin to compare our money, house, kids' performance and marriage to others through a distant lens, I'm the one that loses. It robs my joy. There will always be others with more; don't play that game.
生活在臉書和其他社交媒體別人編輯過生活的時代裏，很容易就會感覺自己的婚姻很糟透，像是在過着瓊斯家的日子一樣。在長焦鏡頭下，我開始和別人比金錢、比房子、比孩子成績、比婚姻，比來比去感覺自己各方面都不行。把快樂也給比沒了。總感覺別人的日子過得好，還是不要玩那樣的遊戲吧！
8. You'll Each Have The Opportunity To Throw It Away.
8. 都有過想要離婚的念頭。
We all know the marriages that end in pain instead of celebration. Divorce instead of dancing at the 50th anniversary party. Brooke and I are realizing that some days it's far easier to give up than keep fighting. But each day, we keep choosing each other. We continue to be honest about where we fail each other. Because it's worth it.
我們都知道很多婚姻是以痛苦告終的。在結婚50週年聚會上會選擇離婚來代替跳舞慶祝。我和布魯克都意識到有些日子放棄婚姻比不停吵鬧要容易得多。但是每次我們都不會放棄彼此。我們彼此坦誠相見，到底哪裏讓對方失望了。因爲堅守婚姻是值得的。
9. Take Initiative For The Benefit Of The Other.
9. 主動爲對方付出。
We talk often in our family about whether we're being givers or takers. Are we giving and serving? Or are we only taking and using? I'd argue that life is best lived when you're giving yourself away for the benefit of another.
我們家經常會討論我們到底屬於付出者呢，還是索取者。我們都付出了嗎？還是我們都只是在索取而已？我認爲最幸福的生活就是你爲他人去做出犧牲和付出。
10. Live In Community.
10. 選擇社區式的生活方式。
Marriage is hard and messy, but also beautiful and redeeming. Lived in isolation, you may be tempted to give up. But when surrounded with friends and family that know your strengths as well as your struggles, you realize you have.
婚姻艱難又麻煩，但是它同樣很美好且有可取之處。自己偏安一隅，你可能會放棄婚姻。但與朋友和家人住得近，他們瞭解你的生活狀態和生活處境，你會發現自己的婚姻確實也有美好之處。
11. Will You Forgive Me?
11. 你會原諒我嗎？
Let's face it. In marriage, we fail each other more often than we'd like to admit. We tell a white lie, we forget a huge appointment, we get angry. There are a million other examples. Instead of shifting blame or dodging responsibility, marriages get stronger when you start to say "will you forgive me?" Even more than an "I'm sorry," this question leads to restoration and healing.
讓我們面對現實吧！在婚姻中，我們要比想象中更令彼此失望。撒了一個善意的謊言，忘記重要約會，都會讓我們生氣。這類的例子可謂是不計其數。不要推卸責任或躲避責任，在你開始主動說“你會原諒我嗎？”“對不起”這些話的時候，你的婚姻就會變得更牢固，彼此之間的裂痕會漸漸修復和癒合。
12. Love Wins.
12. 愛戰勝了一切。
This list could be a mile long. I didn't touch on things like honesty, making time for dates and speaking highly of your spouse. But all the lists in the world won't keep your marriage strong if it lacks love. In the end, love wins. It conquers all. It removes doubt. It pushes through fear. It invites deeper purpose. Love wins.
愛的列表會列出一個很長的清單。我沒有提諸如誠實、找時間約會和誇誇對方這類愛的表現。但是如果缺乏愛的話，全世界各種愛的清單都不會讓你的婚姻變得牢固。最後，還是愛戰勝了一切，愛消除了懷疑、排斥了恐懼，愛有着更深層次的目的。愛贏了一切。
