史上十大絕妙反駁：不動聲色堵死你

Wit is a quality that is easily desired, but no so easily obtained. Those who do have it have gained heavy acclaim. Since the beginning of time, mankind has argued and debated against one another, and while some conflicts are won in wars, many of them are won in words. Here are ten of history’s best comebacks, retorts, repartee, insults, or whatever else you’d like to call them. From quotes of Winston Churchill to Oscar Wilde, these are surely people to tell tales about.
機智是人人都很想要的品質，可是卻沒那麼容易得到。機智的人總是會獲得無盡讚美。自古以來，人類中就有爭吵和辯論的存在。有些矛盾是通過戰爭解決，有些卻是在言語交鋒中戰勝別人。下面是史上十大最佳的反駁，你說這些是機敏的回答也好，不動聲色的侮辱也好，都可以。從丘吉爾到王爾德，他們妙語連珠，絕對是機智界的傳奇：

10. An English Comeback 英式反駁

Nancy Astor was an American socialite who married into the wealthy English family of Astor. She actually was the first woman to be elected to Parliament, which makes her humiliation all the sweeter. She was invited to 1912 a dinner party located in the Churchill estate, but, unfortunately for her, she became extremely annoyed at a drunk and politically incorrect Winston Churchill. Finally, she exclaimed the following: “Winston, if you were my husband, I’d put poison in your coffee.” Unaffected by her sudden outburst, Churchill moderately and quickly replied with a great comeback:
南茜·阿斯特是嫁入英國阿斯特家族的美國名媛，事實上她也是第一位入選國會的女性，這樣看起來雖然她在丘吉爾面前丟臉了，也無傷大雅。1912年，南茜受邀到丘吉爾的府邸參加晚宴，不過她很不幸，她對着喝醉的丘吉爾，再想到與其在政治上的意見分歧，越發惱火，最後南茜說出下面這句話：“溫斯頓，你要是我丈夫，我早在你的咖啡裏下毒了。”可是丘吉爾對南茜的突然爆發表現得無動於衷，他很快很平常地回了一句：

“Nancy, if you were my wife I’d drink it.”
“南茜，你要是我夫人，我肯定會喝的。”

9. The Best Presidential Comeback 最佳總統式反駁

The next situation involves the 30th US president, Calvin Coolidge. He was a relatively quiet man and was known for his brevity, though the few words he had made quite an impression, especially with this wonderful comeback. After an after-dinner recital, an acclaimed and heavily respected opera singer was invited to the White House. But apparently performing for the president was quite a frightening experience and her performance left much to be desired. During the performance, one of the White Houses’s guests leaned over and whispered to Coolidge: “What do you think of the singer’s execution?” Coolidge calmly replied:
下面這個是關於美國第三十任總統卡爾文·柯立芝的軼事。柯立芝是個相當安靜的人，語言簡潔，不過雖然寥寥數語，但讓人印象深刻，尤其是下面這句精彩的反駁。一次餐後獨奏會後，白宮邀請了一位大受歡迎德高望重的歌劇演唱家來表演。不過對於這位演唱家來說，爲總統表演絕對是次膽戰心驚的經歷，所以她的演唱乏善可陳。在演出途中，一位白宮的客人靠過來跟柯立芝悄悄說道：“您覺得這位演唱家表現得怎麼樣？”柯立芝很冷靜地回答道：

“I’m all for it.”
“我完全贊成你的觀點。”

8. The Obvious Comeback 最明顯的反駁

Mohandas Gandhi is associated with civil rights and nonviolence, but most definitely not wit. As the following story will show you, Gandhi didn’t have to fight with his fists, but simply had to use his words. After gaining fame for a campaign to promote colonial India’s independence, Gandhi traveled to London and met with British authorities. The British were wonderfully curious about this strange little man, and Gandhi was constantly bombarded with questions from the press and photographers. One day, a reporter cried out, “What do you think of Western civilization?” And in a monumental moment that would define Gandhi’s reputation, he replied:
人們總是把莫漢達斯·甘地和公民權利、非暴力運動這些聯繫在一起，而絕對不會跟機智掛上鉤。下面這個故事告訴你，甘地不需要用拳頭戰鬥，簡單的言語就可以。由於推行殖民地印度的獨立運動，甘地名聲大噪，他去英國旅行時跟英國的當地官員見面。英國人對這個奇怪的小男人相當好奇，甘地頻頻收到來自報社和攝像師的問題的狂轟亂炸。有次有個記者問道：“你對西方文明有什麼看法？“在這樣一個和他的名聲息息相關的重要時刻，甘地回答道：

“I think it would be a good idea.”
“我覺得這個想法是很好。”

7. The “Greatest” Comeback 最“偉大”的反駁

Muhammad Ali once took a flight on Eastern Airlines in the 1970s. A flight attendant was making her final checks on the passengers, but noticed Ali failed to fasten his seat belt. She kindly asked him to do so, but Ali replied quite arrogantly, “Superman don’t’ need no seat belt.” Not intimidated by the boxer’s reputation and fame, the flight attendant replied:
20世紀70年代，拳王阿里曾經搭乘過東方航空公司的飛機。一位空姐在對乘客進行最後的檢查時，發現阿里沒有繫上安全帶。空姐很和藹地提醒阿里，但是我們的拳王態度傲慢地回答道：“超人不需要安全帶。”這位空姐完全沒有被拳王的名氣嚇到，她依然語氣和藹地回答道：

“Superman don’t need no airplane either.”
“超人也不需要坐飛機。”

6. The Wildest and Best Comeback by Oscar Wilde
王爾德最大膽最好的反駁

Oscar Wilde was widely known for his wit and intelligence in plays, but he was no stranger to it in real-life. After one performance of one of his plays, Wilde went on stage and welcomed a warm reception. Many people applauded and threw a copious amount of beautiful flora, but one unsatisfied person threw a rotten cabbage at the playwright. Wilde picked it up and replied with a straight face:
奧斯卡·王爾德因爲在戲劇創作方面的機智和才華廣爲人知，不過在現實生活中，王爾德也同樣是一個機智過人的人。在一次他的劇作搬上舞臺的演出後，王爾德上臺致謝，受到了大家的熱烈歡迎。許多人鼓掌，還把許多漂亮的植物投擲到舞臺上。不過有位觀衆似乎不滿意，朝劇作家扔了一顆爛白菜。王爾德撿起白菜，臉上沒什麼表情的說道：

“Thank you my friend. Every time I smell it, I shall be reminded of you.”
“謝謝你我的朋友，每次我聞到它，我肯定會想起你。”

Might-Not-Have-Happened Comeback 不該發生的反駁

This final comeback needs no explanation nor introduction. One only needs to read the interview excerpt for him/herself to understand its greatness.
最後一個最佳反駁不需要解釋也不需要介紹，你只要自己讀讀下面的採訪摘要，就會明白這個反駁有多棒：

Female Interviewer: So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
女採訪者：斯格羅夫將軍，這些年輕孩子來基地參觀的時候，你準備教他們些什麼呢？

General Cosgrove: We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.
斯格羅夫將軍：我們會教他們攀巖、划艇、射箭還有射擊。

Female Interviewer: Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it?
女採訪者：射擊？這會不會不太保險啊？

General Cosgrove: I don’t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
斯格羅夫將軍：不會啊，我們會在步槍打靶場密切指導他們的。

Female Interviewer: Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
女採訪者：你不覺得教小朋友射擊是很相當危險的行爲嗎？

General Cosgrove: I don’t see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
斯格羅夫將軍：不會啊，在讓他們摸搶之前，我們會教他們進行正確的步槍訓練。

Female Interviewer: But you’re equipping them to become violent killers.
女採訪者：你是在將他們訓練成殘暴的殺手。

General Cosgrove: Well, Ma’am, you’re equipped to be a prostitute, but you’re not one, are you?
斯格羅夫將軍：吶，女士，別人也訓練你成妓女，你現在也不是啊。

5. This is America Comeback 美式反駁

Henry Ward Beecher was an abolitionist who liked to speak his mind. When the Civil War took its start, Beecher traveled throughout the US attempting to gather up support and favor for Lincoln and his Emancipation Proclamation. He said that the Union would beat the Confederates in sixty days during his travels; and when he made a trip to England, this was used against him. At that time, war was still a very sensitive topic among the British, due to the Americans winning the Revolutionary War. While he was speaking in Manchester, one hostile man cried out: “Why didn’t you whip the Confederates in sixty days, as you said you would?” He hesitated only for a second, but then replied:
亨利·沃德·比徹是一位廢奴主義者，他總是想要說出自己的觀點。美國內戰剛剛開始的時候，比徹在美國大陸四處奔波，希望能夠聚集人們對當時總統林肯和《解放黑奴宣言》的支持和贊同情緒。他在美國的時候表示聯邦軍（北軍）會在六十天內打敗同盟軍（南軍）。等他到英國的時候，英國人就拿這句話來針對他。在當時的英國，因爲美國人打贏了獨立戰爭，戰爭是個敏感話題。當比徹在曼徹斯特發表演說的時候，有人充滿敵意地發難道：“你說會在六十天內打敗同盟軍，怎麼到現在還未能取勝？”比徹猶豫了一秒然後回答道：

“Because we found we had Americans to fight this time, not Englishmen.”
“因爲我們發現這次我們的對手是美國人，而不是英國人。”

4. Churchill’s Honest Comeback 丘吉爾最誠實的反駁

Winston Churchill makes this list again. In his early career, he was at a meeting and another member was giving a long-winded speech. Churchill began to close his eyes and fall asleep. At the sight of this, the member became visibly angry and shouted: “Mr. Churchill, must you fall asleep while I’m speaking?” Instead of making attempts at an apology or a cover-up, Churchill simply replied:
溫斯頓·丘吉爾再次出現在我們的榜單中。在他的早期職業生涯中，有次他出席會議，有人發表一篇冗長囉嗦的演講。丘吉爾就閉上眼睛睡着了。演講者看到這一幕肯定很生氣，就喊道：“丘吉爾先生，你非要在我講話的時候睡着嗎？”丘吉爾沒有試圖道歉或掩飾一下，他只是簡單地回答道：

“No, it’s purely voluntary.”
“不，這完全是無意識的。”

3. The Best Self-Effacing Comeback 最佳謙讓反駁

Abraham Lincoln was not the most attractive presidents but he was in a sense, almost fascinatingly ugly. During a debate, Lincoln was accused by his more hostile opponent of being two-faced. Lincoln managed to accomplish what few men have done before, he defended himself without insulting the other man, and even poked fun at a flaw of his all in the same sentence. Lincoln calmly turned to the crowd and said:
亞伯拉罕·林肯不是美國曆史上最迷人的總統，不過從某種意義上來說，他醜得很有魅力。在一次辯論中，對方發言很是咄咄逼人，他指責林肯是個兩面派。林肯完成了很少有人實現的壯舉，他沒有侮辱對方就爲自己做了辯護，還在話裏對自己的缺陷開起了玩笑。他很冷靜地面對人羣然後說道：

“If I had two faces, do you think I’d be wearing this one?”
“如果我有兩張臉，你覺得爲什麼我現在臉是這樣？”

Classic Comeback from the King of the Comebacks
反駁帝的經典反駁

Winston Churchill makes this list again for a third time, proving him to truly be one of the world’s wittiest people. Attending a party in London, Churchill once again was drunk and intoxicated. An obviously extremely astute woman from Parliament, like Nancy Astor (the first entry), apparently was irritated by Churchill’s mannerisms. When she finally had enough, she came up to him and yelled: “Winston, you’re drunk!” He may have been drunk but that apparently didn’t affect his cognitive functions as he merely replied:
溫斯頓·丘吉爾第三次出現在我們的榜單中，證明了他真的是世界上最機智的人之一。一次在倫敦參加晚會，丘吉爾又一次喝得酩酊大醉。有一位像南茜·阿斯特一樣極其聰明的國會女性，被丘吉爾的舉止無狀給激怒了。她走到丘吉爾面前叫道：“溫斯頓，你喝多了！”丘吉爾也許是真的喝多了，但這明顯不會影響他的認知功能。因爲他簡單回答道：

“You’re right Bessie, and you’re ugly. But tomorrow morning, I’ll be sober.”
“貝茜你說的對，還有，你長得真醜。不過明天早上我的酒就醒了。”