看手相弱爆了：會摸臀算命的祕魯女士

She runs her hand slowly down my right butt cheek, probing for crevasses with her powerful fingers.
她的手緩慢滑過我（記者）的右側臀部，強有力的手指探尋着皮膚罅隙。

“I see a new job opportunity coming up for you in December,” Bibian Arango says, as she looks carefully at my ass to prognosticate my future.
“我看到今年12月，你將會有一個全新的工作機會，”比比安•阿蘭戈一邊說着，一邊仔細觀察我的臀部，爲我預測未來。

A soft, meditative tune plays in the background. I feel my cheeks relax.
在舒緩、引人沉思的背景音樂中，我感到自己的臀部無比放鬆。

“The next couple of years are very prosperous, but you have to watch what you’re eating because you could have problems in your lower stomach,” the psychic says.
“接下來幾年你會很成功，但得注意飲食，因爲你的胃的下部有些問題，”這位通靈巫師說。

Arango sees several butts each week in her Lima office, a small room packed with statuettes of Catholic Saints, magic potions and a three-foot mural of Sheeva, the Hindu God.
在她位於利馬的辦公室，每週會給好幾個人看屁相。這間辦公室裏掛滿天主教聖徒的雕像、魔法藥水以及三英寸的印度之神西瓦的壁畫。

The Colombia-born psychic says she’s one of the world’s few experts in rumpology, a pseudo-scientific discipline that devines people’s futures and analyzes their personalities by studying the features of their buttocks, and feeling out the general shape of their ass.
這位出生於哥倫比亞的巫師表示，她是世上少有的屁相學專家。屁相學其實是一門僞科學，通過研究人們臀部的特點以及感知臀部形狀，以預測未來並分析他們的性格特點。

“Some people think it’s a joke, but I don’t really care,” Arango says in a distinct Colombian accent. “I predicted that Shakira was going to have babies with a soccer player…just by looking at a picture of her butt.”
“有人認爲這是鬧着玩的，但我並不介意他們的看法，”阿蘭戈說話帶有濃厚的哥倫比亞口音。“我曾預測夏奇拉（Shakira）將和一名足球運動員生小孩，這僅僅通過看她屁股的照片就可以推測出來了。”

Rumpology has been most widely promoted in the states by Sylvester Stallone’s mother Jacqueline Stallone, a self-styled astrologist and psychic who claims that the ancient Egyptians and Greeks made imprints of their butts on papyrus, and used that to predict the future. There’s no archaeological evidence to support the claim that ancient civilizations read each other’s butts, but it’s fun to imagine.
屁相學的廣泛推廣要歸功於西爾維斯特•史泰龍的母親傑奎琳•史泰龍。這位自詡爲占卜家兼巫師的女士聲稱，古埃及人和古希臘人將臀部的印痕記錄在紙莎草上，並以此預測未來。雖然還沒有考古學證據表明古代文明有相互看屁相的習慣，但想象一下還是挺有趣的。

In Peru, where cigars, coca leaves, and tarot cards, are commonly used to tell the future, Arango’s method—and personality— stand out. For the past couple years, the pink haired spiritual guru has hosted a daily segment on Peru’s largest TV channel, where she reads tarot cards, talks about the horoscope, and frequently does live readings of local celebrities’ bums.
在祕魯，雪茄、可可葉、塔羅牌都是預測未來的常用工具，而阿蘭戈的方法——乃至其自身性格——相當與衆不同。過去幾年，這位粉色頭髮的精神領袖在祕魯最大的電視頻道主持了一檔日播節目，節目中的她看着塔羅牌，討論占星術，並經常現場爲當地名人看屁相。

“I have no doubt that Rumpology exists,” Arango says back in her office, as she shows me a colorful poster of her TV show.
“屁相學的存在是毫無疑問的，”阿蘭戈說着回到辦公室，並向我展示了一張其電視節目的彩色海報。

I asked her to give me more details of how it works, and she provided a crash course on the world’s main butt types.
我讓她提供更多有關屁相學原理的細節信息時，她拿出了有關世界主要臀部種類的速成課程。

According to Arango, the main butt types include the inverted heart [think Kim Kardashian], the square looking flat butt –aka the ‘boy’ butt— the V-shaped butt, and the round butt.
根據阿蘭戈的理論，主要的臀部類型包括倒心形（想想金•卡戴珊）、扁方型（即“男孩”式的臀部）、V型以及圓形臀部。

Arango says each type reveals clues to someone’s personality. For example, those with a round butt tend to be optimistic but emotionally insecure, while those followed around by square butts are determined individuals who care little about what others think of them.
阿蘭戈說每種類型的臀部都顯示着一個人的性格。舉個例子，那些臀部圓潤的人一般比較樂觀但缺乏安全感；而那些臀部扁平的人相當果決，往往不在乎其他人的看法。

The psychic said that features on the right butt cheek— crevasses, stretch marks, moles or noticeable blood vessels—offer clues about the future. A short purple vessel for example, indicates an impending death in the family.
這位巫師認爲，右側的臀部特徵——皮膚裂痕、妊辰紋、黑痣或顯著的血管——爲未來提供線索。舉個例子，短的紫色血管暗示着家庭成員中有人會死去。

The left butt cheek talks about a person’s past, while the lines in the middle are supposed to provide clues about a person’s present.
左側臀部代表着一個人的過去，而中間的線則預示着一個人的現在。

“This knowledge came to me naturally,” Arango said. “But with time you develop the ability to read these signs in more detail.”
“我自然而然地就習得了這類知識，”阿蘭戈說。“但隨着時間推移，你的這種能力得到發展，將讀出更多細節信息。”

I decided to test Arango’s knowledge on butts by showing her some pictures of well-known American assess.
我決定測試一下阿蘭戈的臀部算命術，於是出示了幾張著名美國人的臀部照片。

First up was President Obama.
第一張是總統奧巴馬的照片。

“The right part of his butt sticks out, which shows me that he is going through family problems,” Arango said. “There will be problems in his life, a big conflict with another country. The way he sticks his right foot out shows me that negative things could be happening,” Arango said. “He might fall sick and that could be big news…but by the shape of his butt, I can tell you he is a great human being.”
“他的右側臀部突出，這表明他正面臨家庭問題，”阿蘭戈說。“他生活中會遇到一些問題以及和另一個國家之間的大的衝突。他這種伸出右腳的方式顯示，可能會發生某些不好的事，”阿蘭戈說。“他或許會生一場病，而這將是個大新聞……但根據他的臀型，我能告訴你的是，他是一位偉大的人。”

We moved on, naturally, to one of America’s most famous butts.
接着，我們自然而然地轉換到下一個美國最著名的臀部。

“First of all, I have to tell you that this is a fake derriere,” Arango said, guessing that Kim Kardashian’s butt might have been enhanced with injections.
“首先，我得告訴你這個臀部是假的，”阿蘭戈說，她猜測金•卡戴珊的臀部可能通過注射手段而變成了翹臀。

I implore her to continue.
我懇求她繼續往下說。

“What you have here is a classic inverted heart…these people tend to have bad luck in their love lives, and they struggle with back problems.”
“你拿的這張照片是一款經典的倒心形臀部……這類人通常在戀愛中運氣不太好，而且她們常常要忍受背疾。”

“She might be famous but her biggest enemy is herself,” Arango continued. “She’s got a euphoric persona, but she also has to leave her ego aside. These kind of people rise like palm trees but fall like coconuts.”
“她也許很有名，但她最大的敵人是自己，”阿蘭戈繼續說道。“她扮演着很歡快的角色，但她因此也失去了自我。這類人在上升期可以像棕櫚樹一樣爬得很高，但也會像椰子一樣跌得很慘。”

Finally I asked Arango to analyze one of this year’s top presidential candidates.
最後，我讓阿蘭戈分析一位今年最有希望的總統候選人。

“Oh my god, who did this woman marry!” Arango said, looking at Hillary Clinton’s butt. The psychic claims she didn’t know who the blond haired woman in the picture was, but analyzed her butt for us nevertheless.
“我的天，這個女人嫁的是誰！”阿蘭戈看着希拉里•克林頓的臀部說道。這位巫師稱，雖然她不認識照片中的金髮女人，但依然可以爲我們分析她的臀部。

“That crack on her [lower] left butt cheek shows me that she has had problems in her marriage,” Arango said. “I see a lot of solitude in her, and resentment with a gentleman from her past, which she still hasn’t overcome.”
“她左臀（下部）的皮膚罅隙顯示，她曾有過婚姻問題，”阿蘭戈說。“我在她身上看到過去她很孤獨，而且對一位先生心懷怨恨，而這至今還影響着她。”

On the upside Arango said Hillary had “an important project,” coming up. “I see her signing papers,” Arango said.
阿蘭戈表示也有好的方面，她看到希拉里即將開展“一項重要計劃”。“我看到她將簽署一些文件，”阿蘭戈說。

Presidential papers perhaps?
難道是總統文件？

“It’s hard to tell,” Arango said. “But what I can say is that her past hasn’t been happy. She’s had to forgive her man, for a lot of things.”
“這很難講，”阿蘭戈說。“但我能告訴你的是，她過去一直活得很不開心。她必須得原諒自己的男人做的許多事情。”

With that, I turned off my ipad, and we bade farewell.
至此，我關掉了蘋果平板電腦，然後彼此道別。

Upon parting, Arango told me to exit her building right foot first. I made sure to do that, and as I stepped into the streets of Lima, I glanced furtively at the various butt types passing me by, learning nothing about their futures.
要離開的時候，阿蘭戈告訴我走出這棟建築時先邁出右腳。我確保自己這麼做了，當我邁入利馬大街時，我偷偷地瞟了一眼那些經過我身邊的各式各樣的臀部，但對他們的未來我仍一無所知。

Vocabulary

crevasse: 裂縫
prognosticate: 預言，預測
mural: 壁畫
rumpology: 屁相學
pseudo-scientific: 僞科學的
devine: 卜問
astrologist: 占星家
psychic: 靈媒；巫師
papyrus: 紙莎草；紙莎草紙
tarot cards: 塔羅牌（預卜命運的一種牌）
horoscope: 占星術；星象
crash course: 速成課
stretch mark: 妊娠紋
derriere: 臀部
euphoric: 情緒高漲的，興高采烈的
persona: 人物角色；僞裝的外表
furtively: 偷偷地；暗中地