教育好孩子,把握好分寸很重要

A wave of recent research has pointed to the risks of overpraising a child. But for parents, drawing the line between too little praise and too much has become a high-pressure balancing act.

近來一些研究指出了過分表揚孩子可能帶來的種種風險。不過，對於家長而言，要在誇獎得太少與太多之間劃清界限，這難度不亞於頂着巨大的壓力走高空繩索。

Cara Greene, a mother of three children ages 1 to 8, is wary of deliberately pumping up her kids' egos, for fear of instilling the sense of entitlement she sees in young adults 'who have been told they're wonderful and they can do anything.' But she also wants them to have healthy self-esteem.

家住紐約市的卡拉??格林(Cara Greene)有三個一歲到八歲大的孩子。這位母親一直很謹慎，不去刻意讓孩子的自我膨脹，因爲格林擔心那樣做會讓孩子心中滋長出她在那些“一直以來都被告知他們很棒而且他們能做任何事”的年輕人身上所看到的那種自以爲是的感覺。不過，她也希望自己的孩子們能夠擁有健全的自我認知。

'We wouldn't be doing our children any favors by overinflating their egos. At the same time, I want them to have the confidence to tackle any challenge that is placed before them,' says Ms. Greene, of New York City.

格林說：“讓孩子的自我過於膨脹對他們來說沒有任何好處。而與此同時，我也希望他們擁有足夠的自信，能夠應付任何他們需要面臨的挑戰。”

Now, psychologists are creating a deeper and more nuanced understanding of self-esteem, which could make it easier for parents to walk that line. Some of the conclusions: It can actually be good for kids to have low self-esteem, at least temporarily. And praise can harm if it disregards the world outside the home. Children who have a realistic岸not inflated岸understanding of how they are seen by others tend to be more resilient.

如今，心理學家們對於自我認知的理解越來越深入、也越來越細緻，這或許能夠讓家長們在走這條高空繩索的時候輕鬆一點。其中的一些結論如下：孩子的自我認可程度較低實際上有可能是一件好事，至少短時期的低認可度會是如此。而對孩子的褒揚如果沒有考慮到家庭以外的環境因素，則有可能會對孩子有害。孩子若能對於他人對自己的看法有一個現實──而非誇大──的理解，則往往能夠更好地適應外界環境。

In the past, many parents and educators believed that high self-esteem predicted happiness and success, and that it could be instilled in kids simply by doling out trophies and praise. But researchers have since found self-esteem doesn't predict these outcomes. High self-esteem is partly the result of good performance, rather than the cause. Inflating kids' self-esteem too much can backfire, making them feel worse later on when they hit setbacks.

過去，許多家長和教育者相信，較高的自我認可度將會帶來幸福感與成功，而若要孩子實現高度的自我認可，做法很簡單，只要給予他們大量的獎勵和讚美即可。不過研究者們後來發現，自我認可並不會帶來這些結果。高度的自我認可在一定程度上是良好表現的結果，而不是原因。讓孩子的自我過於膨脹反而有可能起到相反的作用，使他們在未來遭受挫折時感覺更爲糟糕。

Self-esteem serves as a gauge岸a kind of inner psychological meter岸of how much children feel valued and accepted by others, including family, friends and peers, based on research by Mark Leary, a professor of psychology and neuroscience at Duke University, and others. This sensitivity to others' views evolved because of humans' need for social acceptance, which in ancient times could be critical to survival, Dr. Leary says. As early as age 8, children's self-esteem tends to rise and fall in response to feedback about whether peers see them as likable or attractive, says a 2010 study in Child Development.

根據杜克大學(Duke University)心理學與神經系統學教授馬克??利裏(Mark Leary)等人進行的一項研究，自我認知是一個度量標準、一種內在的心理學角度的衡量尺度，用於衡量孩子自我感覺到的自己在其他人心目中的重要程度、以及其他人對自己的接受程度，這裏的“其他人”包括家人、朋友和同伴等等。利裏博士表示，這種對他人觀點的敏感度是因爲人類需要社會的接納而進化而來，，社會的接納在遠古社會有可能攸關生死。於2010年發表在學術期刊《兒童發展》(Child Development)上的一則研究報告稱，早在八歲這個年齡，孩子的自我認知就會隨着同伴是否認爲他們可愛或是有魅力這樣的反饋而增加或降低。

'Children absolutely need to feel valued, accepted and loved, and this will lead to high self-esteem,' Dr. Leary says. But it can also be good for kids to feel bad about themselves temporarily, if they behave in selfish, mean or hurtful ways that might damage their ability to sustain relationships or hold a job in the future, he says. The best path is a middle road, helping children develop a positive but realistic view of themselves in relation to others.

利裏博士表示：“孩子們絕對需要那種被尊重、被接納和被愛的感受，而這些將帶來較高的自我認可度。”不過，他說，如果孩子的行爲表現出自私、自大或是會傷害到他人──這樣的行爲有可能影響到他們未來與他人相處或是保住自己工作的能力──那麼短暫的自我感覺糟糕對於孩子來說有好處。最好的一條路是中間路線，幫助孩子培養出一個積極、但現實的、與他人相關的自我認知觀點。

Ms. Greene's husband Jason, an actor and at-home dad, tries to teach their children what his grandfather taught him: 'Nobody is better than you, but you're not better than anybody else.' When his 8-year-old son Wyatt started goofing around at practice for his soccer team, which Mr. Greene coaches, he knew Wyatt was 'having a moment of feeling superior,' Mr. Greene says. He benched Wyatt immediately.

格林的丈夫賈森(Jason)是一位演員、同時也是一位全職父親，他試圖讓自己的孩子明白他的祖父當年教給他的東西：“沒有人比你強，不過你也不比其他任何人強。”賈森在他八歲的兒子懷亞特(Wyatt)的足球隊裏當教練，當懷亞特在足球隊訓練中開始不認真對待時，賈森說，他知道懷亞特“這一刻是有點飄飄然的優越感了”。他立刻將懷亞特換下場去坐冷板凳。

Later, he explained: 'I know it's hard to go by the rules all the time, to stand in line and pay attention. But you're not better than the rules, and you're not more important than anyone else on the team.' His son nodded, and 'we had a hug,' Mr. Greene says. Wyatt hasn't misbehaved at practice since.

之後，他對兒子解釋道：“我知道要時時刻刻地守規矩、排隊、專心聽講，這很難。不過，在規矩面前，你沒有特權，你也不比隊裏的其他任何人更重要。”他的兒子點了點頭，然後“我們擁抱了一下”。自從那次以後，懷亞特再也沒有在訓練中有過糟糕表現。

The Greenes also step in with carefully targeted encouragement when their kids hit a rough patch. When Wyatt fell behind in reading at school last year, Mr. Greene says, 'his self-esteem was fragile and almost gone.' They hired a tutor and worked with him on reading. But Mr. Greene also encouraged him to redefine his own worth, saying, 'You're not measured upon rewards or grades. It's who you are that matters.' And Ms. Greene told him, 'Everyone has challenges. This happens to be yours.' Wyatt now reads well and enjoys it. But the Greenes hope he also learned a sturdier basis for self-esteem.

當孩子受到挫折時，格林夫婦也會通過具有明確針對性的鼓勵來幫助他們。賈森說，去年，當懷亞特在學校的閱讀成績落後時，“他的自尊變得很脆弱，幾乎完全沒有了”。他們聘請了一位家教，幫他輔導閱讀。不過，做父親的同時也在鼓勵兒子重塑信心，他告訴兒子：“你的價值不是靠獎勵或是成績來衡量的。真正重要的是你是誰。”母親則對兒子說：“每個人都會面臨挑戰。這就是你的挑戰。”懷亞特如今的閱讀很好，而且很喜歡這門功課。不過格林夫婦還希望他自信的基礎能夠更紮實些。

Exaggerated praise can do harm, according to a study of 313 children ages 8 to 13 published this month in the Journal of Experimental Psychology. Parents who noticed that their children felt bad about themselves tended to pump up the praise when working with them, saying things like, 'You're so smart,' or, 'You're such a good artist,' researchers found.

今年2月份發表於《實驗心理學雜誌》(Journal of Experimental Psychology)上的一份研究報告稱，一項由荷蘭烏特勒支大學(Utrecht University)的研究人員所主導、針對313名年齡在八歲到13歲的兒童所進行的研究表明，過分誇大的褒揚有可能造成傷害。研究人員發現，當父母們在與自己的孩子合作完成一項任務時，若發現孩子的自我感覺不佳，往往會說諸如“你真聰明”或是“你真是個了不起的藝術家”這樣讚揚的話來給孩子打氣。

But those children felt ashamed when they were defeated later in a simulated computer game; other children who received more realistic praise that focused on their effort or behavior didn't feel any shame, according to the study led by researchers at Utrecht University in the Netherlands. Well-meaning adults 'may foster in children with low self-esteem the very emotional vulnerability they are trying to prevent,' the study says. A better path is to praise children for the effort they invest, an element they can control, the study says.

但是，這項研究發現，當這些孩子之後在模擬的電腦遊戲中被打敗時，他們會感到羞恥；而其他那些得到的評價更爲現實、且所得評價只集中於他們的努力或是表現的孩子，則不會感到任何羞恥。研究報告中寫道，那些善意的成年人“或許恰恰在孩子心中種下了他們試圖避免的那種脆弱情感──較低的自我認可”。研究報告稱，較好的方式是對孩子所付出的努力──這一他們能夠自己控制的因素──予以表揚。

Children who have a realistic understanding of how they are seen by others tend to be more resilient. In a 2010 study, 333 preteens played an online version of 'Survivor,' posting personal profiles and receiving peer ratings on their likability. All the kids who received low ratings experienced a drop in self-esteem, gauged via scores on a scale including such items as, 'I feel good about who I am right now.' But those who started the game with grandiose views of themselves and inflated feelings of superiority suffered the biggest declines in self-esteem, says the study in Child Development.

那些對於他人對自己持何看法有更現實認知的孩子，往往更能適應環境。在2010年的一項研究中，333名九至13歲的孩子在網上參與一個類似真人秀節目《倖存者》(Survivor)的遊戲，孩子們在網上公佈他們的個人簡介，然後其他人會根據對這些孩子的喜愛程度給他們打分。所有得到較低評分的孩子，自信程度都有所下降，他們的自信程度是通過他們針對諸如“我對於現在的自我感覺良好”這樣的問題打分來決定的。不過，這份發表於《兒童發展》的研究報告指出，那些在遊戲開始前對自己有不切實際的過高評價、並有過高優越感的孩子，自信心下降得最爲嚴重。

When researchers tried to lift the grades of struggling college students by raising their self-esteem, the students' grades got worse, according to a 2007 study of 86 students published in the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology. Showering them with messages aimed at making them feel good about themselves may have instilled 'a cavalier, defensive attitude,' causing them to study less, the study says.

而根據2007年發表於《社會與臨牀心理學雜誌》(Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology)的一份研究報告，針對86名大學學生進行的一項研究發現，當研究者試圖通過提高自信來幫助這些學習有些吃力的學生提高成績時，他們的成績反而變得更差。研究報告寫道，向他們灌輸大量旨在讓他們自我感覺良好的信息，這種做法或許給他們培養出了“一種傲慢的、自我防衛的態度，”使得他們用於學習的時間更少了。

Laural and Jim O'Dowd's 11-year-old son Cole is getting straight As in accelerated seventh-grade math classes, even though he's only in fifth grade. 'It's hard not to say, 'That's awesome,' ' and to congratulate him on his grades, says Ms. O'Dowd, an attorney who lives in Boulder, Colo. 'But if we praise him constantly, his self-esteem becomes centered on always being very smart and being the best and being perfect. And when you get out in the real world, you're not necessarily No. 1.'

勞雷爾??奧多德(Laural O'Dowd)和吉姆??奧多德(Jim O'Dowd)夫婦今年11歲的兒子科爾(Cole)在提前上的七年級數學課上，成績總是A，而實際上科爾現在只是五年級的學生。他的母親說：“這讓我很難不去誇獎他‘這太棒了’”、或是祝賀他拿到了這麼好的成績。“不過如果我們總在誇獎他，他的自我認知會變得只關注於永遠要做最聰明的、最好的、最完美的。而當你進入現實世界時，你不一定總要做第一名。”勞雷爾是一位律師，他們一家住在科羅拉多的博爾德(Boulder)。

Instead, she encourages behaviors he is able to sustain: 'It's awesome that you're working so hard on your homework.'

這位母親換了個做法，她對於科爾能夠堅持下來的行爲予以了鼓勵：“你的功課這麼努力，這太棒了。”

The O'Dowds also invite their kids to see themselves as others might see them. Cole often has trouble waking up in the morning and tends to be cranky with his three siblings, says Mr. O'Dowd, an at-home father and former engineer. When he lingered in bed recently and snapped at his 9-year-old brother Luke for no good reason, Mr. O'Dowd asked him: 'So you want to be that person who nobody wants to talk to in the morning, because you can't be nice? Even if nobody says anything bad to you?' Mr. O'Dowd says. 'You could hear the tires screeching in his world. He stopped moving. He stopped breathing. He looked at me for a very long moment. Then he hung his head, said, 'OK,' and went about getting ready for school.'

奧多德夫婦還會提醒孩子們站在別人的角度，瞭解他人眼中的自己。早先任工程師、如今全職在家帶孩子的吉姆說，科爾早上經常起不來，而且喜歡對他的三個兄弟姐妹發脾氣。最近有一次，他又賴在牀上不起來，還無緣無故地對他九歲的弟弟盧克(Luke)惡聲惡氣地說話，吉姆問科爾：“難道你願意成爲那種因爲自己不會好好說話、所以早上沒有人願意搭理你的人嗎？就算是沒有人會衝你說什麼壞話？”這位父親說：“你可以聽得到他的世界裏傳來急剎車的聲音。他呆住了，連大氣都不出。他看着我，過了很久，然後垂下頭說‘好吧’，之後就去準備上學了。”

'I try to teach my kids how to be considerate of other people,' he says, 'not just because it's nice, but because it makes your life better if you understand those around you.'

他說：“我試圖教會我的孩子如何去體貼他人。不只是因爲這樣做很友善，而是因爲如果你能夠更瞭解周圍的人對你自己的看法，那麼你的生活會變得越好。”