時尚雙語:夫妻之間吵架反而更有利於身體健康

There are toilet-paper tiffs, thermostat scuffles, ongoing debates over money, sex and the television remote. And then there are the laundry wars.

"My husband has this thing with laundry that drives me nuts," says Amelia Zatik-Sawyer, a 28-year-old mother of two in Cleveland.

"He's supposed to wash and I'm supposed to fold, but he does like 10 loads at a time and then dumps it all on the bed. With two little kids, I don't have time to fold 10 loads all at once, so I'll leave it. And then he'll come home and throw it into the closet so he can get into bed. And then it just spirals out of control from there."

For many couples, spats are a necessary evil, something to endure or avoid (for the sake of the kids!). But new research at the University of Michigan shows that hashing out marital disagreements is actually good for your health. It's squelching anger, especially when you feel you've been wronged, that's dangerous.

A study published in January followed 192 married couples in Michigan from 1971 to 1988 and found that those who kept their anger in when unfairly attacked did not live as long as those who expressed their anger, says lead study author Ernest Harburg, Ph.D., an emeritus research scientist at the University of Michigan's School of Public Health and psychology department.

"We're all interested in longevity," says Harburg, who's studied the health effects of spousal sparring for over 30 years. "We watch our diet, we exercise. Now we need to add 'express anger constructively' to that list."

Women in particular may put their health at risk by holding back during arguments with their spouse, a 10-year study of 4,000 men and women from Framingham, Massachusetts, found. "Women who 'self-silenced' during conflict with their spouse, compared with women who did not, had four times the risk of dying, " according to findings published in 2007 in the journal "Psychosomatic Medicine."

But high schools don't offer Squabbling 101. So what are the nuts and bolts of a healthy fight?

Express Yourself

Harburg says the first step is to let the person know you're mad -- the sooner, the better.

"You can either express your anger directly or you can say, 'That makes me angry, but I don't want to talk about it now; let's discuss it later'," he says. "But in order to solve the problem, you need to first express your emotions."

For some, even acknowledging a problem can be a problem.

Eunice Verstegen of Seattle, a program manager for a large county agency, says her upbringing in Wisconsin prevented her from voicing her true feelings with her first husband, who was her polar opposite politically, emotionally and even gastronomically.

"I was taught to be nice and to keep my feelings buried," she says. "And as a result, I was silently miserable. But with my second husband, if something bothers me, I don't let it simmer. I speak right up."

Don't pout, let it out

Others let their actions do the talking.

"When I'm mad about something, I'll do the heavy sighing thing or toss the silverware as I unload the dishwasher, which drives my husband nuts," says Jackie Papandrew, 44, a syndicated columnist from Largo, Florida. "To him, the silent treatment is the worst thing in the world. He'll pester me and pester me until I finally blow up or laugh."

Papandrew admits she's also gone the passive-aggressive route, like the time she hid the remote because she was angry her husband watched so much TV -- and forgot where she hid it.

"If pouting leads to talking about the issue, then you're ahead of the game," says Harburg. "But passive-aggressive behavior doesn't work. It doesn't solve the problem. The best thing is if you can establish some kind of ritual, like regularly sitting down at a table to talk about your issues."

Communication and compromise

Laundry warrior Zatik-Sawyer uses a digital version of the kitchen-table confessional.

"My blog has become my therapy," she says. "When I have issues, I'll write a blog post and my husband will read it at work. And then he'll come home and we'll talk about the problem and solve it. If we have issues, they never really last longer than a couple of hours."

Harburg says both partners have to be willing to listen and work toward a compromise; otherwise it's a no-go.

"If you get into a zone where someone's impeding the discussion, then you can't solve the problem," he says. "Fear, intimidation, dirty looks, belittling remarks -- that's over the line. But if you can listen to each other, and hear what the other person is feeling and thinking, then you can reach a compromise: 'OK, I won't do this if you won't do that.'"

One final tip: Keep your sense of humor.

"Years ago, my husband and I were having a big spat, really yelling at each other," says Verstegen. "I screamed at him, 'You're so selfish!' There was this long silence and then he said, 'Did you just call me a shellfish?' I started laughing and that was the end of the fight."

夫妻間有因爲粗糙的手紙，園藝鋤，還有金錢，性和電視遙控器而引起的爭吵。隨之還有發生在洗衣間裏的吵鬥。

“老公在衣物清潔方面的壞習慣讓我非常惱火，”艾米利·亞扎提克·薩雅說道，她是一位居住在克利夫蘭兩個孩子的母親。

“洗衣服本來應該是他的事，疊衣服是我的事，但是他總是一次洗十幾件衣服，然後把洗乾淨的衣服胡亂扔的滿牀都是。我還得照顧兩個孩子，哪有時間一下去疊這麼多衣服，所以我乾脆就不管了。然後他回家後就把牀上的衣服亂塞到壁櫥裏，好騰出地方睡覺。矛盾就是這裏開始的。”

對於很多夫婦來說，爭吵是不可避免的，但總會盡量忍耐或避免（就算是爲了孩子！）。但根據美國密歇根大學的一項最新研究表明，夫婦因磕磕碰碰的瑣事而爭吵其實有助於健康。經常壓抑怒火，尤其是當你感到得不到對方理解時，非常不利於你的健康。

一項在1月份發佈出來對192對夫婦從1971年到1988年的研究顯示：“那些習慣忍氣吞聲，不愛宣泄心中怒氣的夫婦，死亡率要比那些時常發泄怒氣的夫婦高。”研究負責人歐內斯特·哈勃格說道，他現在是密歇根大學公共衛生醫學院和心理學系的名譽退休教授。

“人們都希望延年益壽，”已經在夫婦爭吵對健康的影響議題上研究了30多年的哈勃格說道。“人們注意我們的飲食，我們不斷加強鍛鍊。現在我們需要把“如何適當宣泄怒氣”擺上日程了。“

根據對來自馬薩諸塞州弗蘭明漢姆地區的4000對夫婦長達10年的研究顯示，那些在爭吵中壓抑怒火的女性一方可能會對自身健康造成不利的影響。2007年最新出版的“身心醫學健康雜誌”中的文章指出：“那些在與另一半爭吵中經常“忍氣吞聲”的女性，死亡率是那些能夠宣泄怒氣的女性的四倍之高。”

學校沒有提供101爭吵學課程。所以保持健康爭吵方式的具體細節是怎樣的呢？

釋放自己的情緒

哈勃格指出，儘快儘早的讓對方知道你在生氣是第一步需要做到的。

“你可以直接把怒氣宣泄出來，或者可以說，“你這樣做讓我很不爽，但我現在不想談這個，咱們以後再說”，“他說道“有時爲了解決問題，你需要先說出你的感受。“

有時候，甚至意識到問題所在也不好辦。

尤妮思·沃斯特根來自西雅圖，在一家大型縣級公司擔任項目經理，談到她與第一任丈夫在政治意見，情感表達甚至飲食習慣方面背道而馳，然而由於她在威思康星州接受到的良好教育，使她很難對其表達出真實的情感，。

“我從小就接受着那種對人要友善，要學會壓制自己情感的教育，”她談到。“結果呢，我變成了一個苦悶不幸的人。但我跟第二任丈夫，如果遇到不高興的事情，就不會忍了，我會立刻說出來。”

不要再繃着臉了，把你的感受宣泄出來吧。

有些人會用行動來表示不滿。

“如果我生氣了，我會使勁兒嘆氣或者把洗碗機裏的洗好的銀皿扔出去，這會讓我丈夫很惱火。”來自佛羅里達州拉哥市，向多家報刊同時供稿的44歲專欄作家傑姬·帕安德魯說道。“對他而言，這種沉默的宣泄是讓他感到最糟糕的事。他會不斷纏着我，直到我把怒氣宣泄出來或者露出笑臉。”

帕安德魯承認她也會用一些不漏聲色的伎倆來宣泄自己的不滿，比如說有一次她因爲不滿自己丈夫看了太多電視而把遙控器藏了起來---誰想到最後她自己竟然忘了把遙控器藏到了哪裏。

“如果緊繃面孔能使兩人開始談判，那麼你就佔據主動位置了，”哈勃格說道。“但是被動式的宣泄感情並不是可行的辦法。這種態度不能根本解決問題。最好的方法是如果你能找到一種比較正式的方式，比如說好好在桌子旁坐下把事情談清楚。

交流和妥協

“洗衣房戰士”艾米利·亞扎提克·薩雅利用電子技術來表達自己的感受。

“我的博客已經成爲了我療傷的地方。”她說道。“每當生活中遇到不快，我都會寫在博客上，然後我丈夫上班的時候就會去看。待他下班回到家後，我們會坐下來討論並解決這個問題。如果有任何問題出現在我們之間，通常在幾個小時之內就會被解決。”

哈勃格談到雙方都必須互相傾聽並努力做到互讓一步，否則將沒法解決問題。

“如果有任何一方開始冷戰而使雙方陷入僵局，你的問題將得不到解決。”他說道。“害怕，威脅，擺臭臉，貶低—這些做法都太出格了。但如果你可以聆聽對方的傾述，傾聽他們的想法和感受，然後你就可以做出妥協：‘好吧，如果你不再這樣我就不會發火了。”

最後一個小貼士：保持你的幽默感

“很多年前，我和我丈夫有過一次很嚴重的爭吵，互相大聲嚷嚷。”沃斯特根說道。

“我衝着他尖叫“你太自私了！”沉默了許久，他對我說，“你剛纔是不是叫我貝殼來着？”我聽後笑了起來，爭吵也隨之結束了。