我對你的幻想

The day my husband moved out, I cleaned the house. From the sidewalk in front of our building, I watched him drive off, our dog in the passenger seat. I'd thought, good riddance to both of them. Then I went back to the apartment and packed away what he'd left behind. We'd been together for 13 years, since before I could drink legally. I felt nothing.

丈夫搬出去的那一天，我打掃了屋子。站在家門口的人行道上，我看着他驅車離開，我們的狗狗坐在副駕駛上。我想，終於擺脫他倆了。然後，我回到公寓，打包他留下來的東西。我們在一起13年了，在我能合法喝酒之前就在一起了。對於他的離開，我內心沒有一絲波瀾。

Two months later I met a beautiful Irishman on a dance floor in Dublin. Somehow, he broke my heart in a way my husband's leaving hadn't.

2個月後，我在都柏林的舞池遇到了一個帥氣的愛爾蘭人。不知爲何，他傷透了我的心，而丈夫的離開卻沒有帶給我這種感覺。

The Irishman was my crisis romance. When I fell for him I was in that altered breakup state when the heart has been hammered by so many little blows and for so long it feels nearly dead.

那個愛爾蘭人是我的浪漫危機。愛上他的時候，我還處於分手狀態，當時我已被太多很小的打擊擊垮，幾乎已經心死很久了。

All crisis romances are ménage à trois. It's you, him, and the fantasy you project on him. He's a god. He's the best sex you've ever had. He understands you like no one before. He's better looking than anyone you've ever seen. He is the opposite of your old partner in all ways. Except of course he's exactly the same.

所有的浪漫危機都是悼念。是你、他、還有你對他的幻想。他是男神啊。他給了你最棒的性生活。他是最瞭解你的人。他比你見過的任何人都好看。從各個方面來說，他都與你的前任完全不同，當然，性別還是一樣的。

You think a crisis romance is the start of your new life, but really it's the end of the old. I can see it in hindsight: I'd become immune to my husband's worst; I needed the Irishman to deliver the final deathblow so my heart would, finally, shatter - and then I'd be able to start anew.

你以爲浪漫危機是你新生活的開始，但實際上卻是舊生活的結束。我可以從事後看出：我已經對丈夫最糟的行爲產生了免疫；我需要那個愛爾蘭人賜給我最後的致命一擊，這樣我的心就會支離破碎--然後我就又能開啓新生活了。

I went to Dublin to meet my brother who was on tour with a famous rock star. That sense of emptiness I'd had since the day my husband left had turned into a sense of vastness, as if I'd been cracked open and was now as big as the universe. My innards were on the outside - or rather there was no distinction between inside and outside. When my brother said "come join us," I hopped on a plane the next morning.

我去都柏林是爲了看我弟弟，當時他與一位著名的搖滾明星巡迴演出。丈夫離開後的那種空虛感變成了一種廣闊感，就好像我被打開了，和宇宙一般大小。我的內臟露在外面--或者說內外根本沒有區別。當時我的弟弟說"加入我們吧，"於是我就登上了第二天早上的飛機。

I went with my brother and the guys from the band to see Jimmy Cliff. After they all went home, I stayed, because I felt like if I didn't get to dance to the rock-steady DJ just starting to spin, I might die.

我和弟弟以及他樂隊的兄弟一起看了吉米·克里夫。他們都回家之後，我留了下來，因爲我覺得如果不和洛克斯代迪風格的DJ一起旋轉跳舞，我就可能會死。